


i wouldn’t ask you

by sukunasbf



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (sorta) Forced Feminization, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, Feminization, Gaslighting, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kozume Kenma-centric, M/M, Manipulation, No Beta, Possibly Unrequited Love, Slurs, i finally wrote a happy ending, im just projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26222803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sukunasbf/pseuds/sukunasbf
Summary: Kenma’s mom never wanted a boy. She wasn't shy about it either.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 5
Kudos: 189





	i wouldn’t ask you

**Author's Note:**

> i’m back ! sorry it’s been a while i haven’t had the motivation to write anything recently. sorry about any grammar and spelling mistakes. also constructive criticism is very welcome but please be nice. this work does have quite a few triggers and rough topics as you've probably seen in the tags so please be weary and keep your own mental health in mind while reading.
> 
> this came to me while listening to “i wouldn’t ask you” by clairo, “prom queen” by beach bunny, and “heather” by conan gray  
> see end notes for more in depth trigger warnings.

Kenma’s mom never wanted a boy. She wasn't shy about it either. In fact, she enjoyed telling Kenma that as often as possible. It was always  _ this is why I never wanted a boy  _ or  _ a girl would be so much easier to handle _ and Kenma’s personal favorite  _ you'd be so much less of a disappointment if you were a girl.  _ The list goes on and on. It was fine at first he supposes when he was younger and the comments we're scarce. 

  
  


When Kenma started growing his hair out his mom was ecstatic.  _ You look so pretty, Kenma you should grow out your hair more.  _ The praise was such a huge change from the harsh criticism she would spout before so he kept doing it. He thought that as he got older he’d want to cut it more but he found it helped his anxiety. It helped him block out the rest of the world and become less overwhelmed in large social settings. So, he kept it. He kept growing it out and cutting it again so that it reached his jawline. 

  
  


Kenma never told anyone about this. He never saw the need to. It's not her fault that she wanted a girl and it wasn't hurting anyone so he didn't feel like ruining her fun. When Kenma began first playing video games his mother had frowned. She had told him  _ that's something  _ normal  _ boys do Kenma, you're too pretty to be a normal boy.  _ Kenma hadn't known what to think of that. His mother had a distaste for video games yet, she kept buying them for him. He figured it wasn't such a big deal since she would buy him more games to play when he asked so, she must not really hate them that much, right? 

When the new family moved in next door, things started getting bad again. When Kenma’s mom calls him downstairs to meet the new family he was less than pleased. He didn't need any new people in his life. People were tiring and annoying and Kenma didn't have the time or the energy to put up with them. They never put in the effort to befriend Kenma either so he didn't really see the problem. He never really felt lonely, he had his mom and his games and that's all he really needed. 

As he walked downstairs he saw his mother talking to a man outside, he couldn't see anyone else outside so why did his mother make him meet this strange man. His mother was never really friendly with neighbors. She wasn't necessarily mean to them, she would be polite and nice when she had to but never made an effort to get to know anyone. When he walked outside he caught sight of a boy with a serious case of bed head hiding behind his dad. Kenma’s mother had introduced them and told Kenma to take him upstairs and show him his games. 

They played games for hours before Kuroo had to go home. Kenma was surprised at how much he enjoyed being around the older boy. That night, his mother sat him down for dinner and told him  _ not to pick up on his bad habits.  _ Kenma hadn't really known what that meant but agreed anyway. 

When his mother found out that Kuroo was teaching him volleyball she made a face like she just tasted something really sour. Kenma began talking about how he didn't like moving around so Kuroo was teaching him how to be a setter so he didn't have to move as much. His mom visibly relaxed and put on a smile saying  _ that's good, Kenma.  _

As Kenma got older his mother’s comments took a darker, more negative twist. She would grow increasingly more upset as his voice continued to deepen. She would say  _ talk softer, Kenma people won't like it if your voice is so rough  _ or would tell him not to speak altogether because  _ your voice is making me upset, Kenma.  _ Kenma kept playing volleyball no matter how tiring it was because his mom was okay with it and Kuro wanted him to. 

Then, his mother began commenting on his body.  _ Remember Kenma, it's important to keep in shape, people won't like you if you're too out of shape. You're getting a little big, Kenma. Are you really going to eat all of that? You don't need all of that. Watch your calories Kenma, you don't want to lose your perfect figure. You should learn to suck in your gut like other people do, people will like you more that way. If you want to look nice you have to get skinnier Kenma, do you want to be ugly? Do you want people to look at you and think you’re gross? _

Kenma never knew how to feel about those comments. He never really cared about what other people thought of him before but if it was upsetting his mother then maybe he should. He never wanted to draw attention to himself, he wanted to be ordinary. When he told his mother this she simply said  _ You’ll stand out so much more if you're gross Kenma. Everyone will be looking at you and making fun of you. You don't want that right?  _ Kenma didn't want that so he listened to his mother, he watched what he ate, counted his calories, setting limitations for himself. His mother said that  _ everyone does this so it's normal and okay, even if it feels bad _ . 

When Kenma had gotten to middle school, he began getting teased by the other kids in class. They teased him about how he looked so much like a girl. When he came home in tears his mother comforted him and told him  _ it doesn't matter what they think, as long as you like how you look.  _ Kenma did like how he looked. He was so lucky to have such a loving mother. 

Kema discovered his mother was nicer to him when he looked prettier. He wore more androgynous clothing that helped accentuate his more feminine features. When his volleyball team told him his hair made him stand out he had gone to his mother, distraught asking for help. He brought up cutting his hair and her gaze darkened. She told him not to do that because  _ you like your hair like that remember?  _ He did like his hair like that, he didn't want to cut it but luckily for him, his mother had a great solution.  _ You could bleach your hair! It will make you look purer and people won't notice it as much.  _ Kenma had doubts about this since he thought it might make him stand out more but who was he to question his mother when she had helped him out so much.

When she found out about his more masculine habits she scolded him.  _ What did I tell you about picking up on those boy’s bad habits? Are you going against me right now? You know I just want to help you Kenma. Do you want people to think you're gross? You're defying me when all I want is to help you Kenma. I've sacrificed everything for you Kenma. Do you know how hard it is to be a single mother? It's even harder because I always make you my number one priority. Do you want to make your mother upset Kenma?  _ Kenma remembers how hard his mother had cried that night, he didn't want to make her upset again so he made sure to change. 

People at school kept criticizing him for his feminine traits, it worsened as he got to high school. The boys would shove him into lockers at school, and throw around words like  _ faggot  _ and  _ queer _ . They would only do it when Kuro wasn't around though. So he stuck as close to him as he could so he didn't have to deal with the bullies. 

Kenma remembers when he realized he was in love with Kuro. Kenma was waiting for the new release of his favorite game series and despite the late time, Kuro was right there with him. Kuro was always with him, always by his side ready to defend and protect him from anything that threatened him. He knew Kenma so well, he knew when he needed space, when he needed company or when he just wanted to sit quietly with Kuro without talking. Falling in love with Kuroo wasn't something that just happened overnight. He thinks that ever since they were kids Kenma had fallen a little bit more in love with him each day, it was a gradual thing. 

A part of him hates that he discovered it. He came to the realization that Kuro would never want him the same way. That realization was only solidified when Kuro came over to his house one day and told him about this girl he met at the mall.  _ She was so gorgeous Kenma, she has this long flowy hair, I love girls with long hair, she has these beautiful blue eyes I can't even put it into words it wouldn't do her justice.  _ Kuro ranted dreamily and that was the moment Kenma’s heart broke into pieces.

  
  


_ Kuro likes girls.  _ Deep inside Kenma knew this before, because normal boys like Kuro like girls, not boys. Kenma likes boys because he's not normal. Before, he thought that was a good thing his mother always told him it was a good thing. But, then people would say things like  _ Kenma always looks so much like a girl, do you think he's gay? What if he's a crossdresser? Kenma’s always clinging to Kuroo I bet that fag is into him that's so gross.  _ The word that got to him wasn't the homophobic slur no that didn't bother him nearly as much as the word  _ gross _ . He was gross. His classmates were saying he was gross. He failed his mother, after all, she’d done for him. 

That was the day things got really bad. He began avoiding meals altogether, and it all came back to bite him in the ass one day during a practice match with Karasuno.

He was exhausted, he tried not to let it show but his fatigue was noticed by everyone on the team  _ including  _ Lev which meant something. He was feeling a bit lightheaded but he had to power through the last half hour so he could go home and rest. It was when a rogue ball from a miscalculated block hit him in the face that Kuroo finally said something. 

“Woah there pudding head.” He said as he was pushed back by the force of the ball.  _ There he is again catching me before I fall, protecting me from everything he can. _

“’M fine Kuro. Let's get back to the game.” Kenma said, trying to shake him off so he could stand normally again. He hated being the one to hold off practice and everyone was looking at him. He just wanted to ignore it and move on.

”Are you sure? You can take a break if you need to.” He asked the crease in his brows growing deeper. 

  
  


Kenma pushed slightly out of Kuroo’s arms but as soon as he took a step he felt all the strength suddenly leave his body and black spots appeared in his vision. He recognized that he was falling, he heard his head hit the gym floor with a sickening  _ crack _ but he couldn't feel it. He felt like he was underwater, he heard muffled yells and he couldn't see. He was just  _ so  _ tired and the gym floor felt like the mattress in a 5-star hotel so he figured a little nap couldn't hurt right? His ears were filled with cotton and he felt like he was vibrating under his skin. The last thing he remembered was how dry his mouth was and that he needed some water and then everything went dark. 

  
  


When Kenma woke up again his head was throbbing. The room he was in was too bright and the blanket he was using was too rough. When he opened his eyes he realized he was in the hospital. When all his memories rushed back to him he groaned. How could he have been so careless? His mother taught him better than that hadn't she? He looked around the room and saw the only person who was there was Kuro.

  
  


It’s always Kuro. It's always been Kuro. 

  
  


When he noticed Kenma was awake he rushed to his side.

  
  


”Kenma are you okay? How're you feeling? Do you need anything?” He immediately bombarded Kenma with questions.

  
  


Kenma opened his mouth and immediately coughed “Water.” he croaked out.

  
  


After he had his drink Kuro had pulled his chair so he was sitting next to Kenma’s bed. ”Ken you know you can talk to me, right? About anything.” Kenma just started back at him with wide eyes trying to figure out what he knew. As if Kuro knew what he was thinking (he always does, he knows Kenma better than he knows himself) he said “The doctor said it was exhaustion and malnutrition. Why didn't you ever say anything?” 

“I don't need you to take care of me Kuro. I'd never ask that of you.” Kenma responded sourly. 

”But you can. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to need to be taken care of. I knew you didn't really talk about your emotions but just know that  _ you can.  _ It doesn't have to be with me and you don't have to talk about it right now, but if you decide to I'm always here for you.” 

  
  


If Kenma wasn't so discombobulated he’d have thought what he was going to say through more. “I love you.” His eyes widened in fear as soon as the words left his mouth. Kuro looked up at him with a small smile. “I love you too, tiny. Now get some rest, you're gonna need it.” 

  
  


Kenma feels like he went through hell and back but right now all he can think is  _ I think I can be okay. I think I will be okay.  _ And he drifts off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: the eating disorder does not go into depth but it does include a lot of negative body talk. there is no physical abuse but emotional manipulation is used a lot by kenma’s mom. i’m not sure if it’s really gaslighting but i tagged it just to be safe.


End file.
